I’ve heard the rumors going around that aliens have invaded the arts and are taking over.

It’s argued that no human could…

The government has instituted and funded studies and surveillance to determine their motives. Are they trying to augment and enrich our lives with cultural experience, or are they trying to dominate and then replace us? Are they friendly or not? Further studies are needed. The Government is going to the private sector for additional funds. I say, keep the money coming! Inquiring minds want to know.

I mean, our Leaders could never do any of that art stuff. They say, “What? You expect us to be better than you?” We say, “Yes! That’s why we elected you. That’s why we pay you, to be role models and show us the way we can be better too. Otherwise, what are you good for?”

We argue back and forth. It’s called politics.

Moving picture cameras provide eyewitness evidence. All those piano players at their keyboards have fingers that move so fast they blur. They’re obviously not human.

Then there’s the violins. They play so fast we can’t even sing along. They’re aliens.

Or maybe, just maybe, they were born human and then the aliens take over and they become child virtuosos. There are videos.

I have even gone to the ballet where people hang in the air, spin like a top on one toe foot, and cross the stage in a single leap. That’s not humanly possible.

Then there are people who sing so high and low that you just know they’re not human. They call it opera. And it doesn’t always sound like English. They sing in foreign languages that are alien to my ears.

What more proof do you need?

Sometimes they stab each other on stage and bleed all over and then the curtain goes down and comes back up again and there they are all recovered and bowing and the audience is hypnotized and brainwashed and claps and yells. Human medicine couldn’t do that.

There’s something going on. I’m not paranoid, but I can’t trust anybody. The invasion began centuries ago when people did things they can’t do now, like cathedrals. They defend their disguises by saying cathedrals take centuries, but we know better.

I mean, come on!

But here’s the rub, as we say. Some of the art stuff I like. And the more I see of it, the more I like it. It’s addictive. So I know they got to me and invaded my mind.

So maybe it’s not so bad after all if aliens take over the world through the arts.

But here’s another rub, like the genie in the bottle. There are fewer and fewer of them, even after going to art school. All the historians and critics say so, and they know because they’re the experts. So they must be aliens too. They know things I know nothing about. They say, “Yes, you know nothing.” They act like I’m not the human here.

Maybe I’m not, because I can’t figure it out.

I mean, the people who screen things and make the rules must be aliens too. We call them the Goverment. They don’t care about me, they only look after theirselfs.

And just when I started to really like all that art stuff, now I can’t afford it. Go figure. They’re closing it all down, like orchestras. There used to be more of them.

I don’t know what to do.

I look around and see people on the streets with empty eyes and hardly any words, like zombies. So maybe the zombies have invaded too, and there’s a zombie war against the art aliens.

So maybe I’m figuring things out and I’m on a list. I mean, I go to the movies and watch what they call science fiction, but I know they’re documentaries.

So maybe they’re after me because they’re afraid I’ll tell somebody. So maybe I should just give up and do nothing, like a politician.

The world is going to end anyway.

I won’t be here to see it. Unless things are going faster than I thought which it seems to be.


[Note: This inarticulate nightmare has been brought to you by the Orson Welles Consortium Limited. He tried to warn us.]

[Another Note: I have a self-awarded Doctorate Degree in Silly. I mention it in case you didn’t know and couldn’t tell. I myself thought it was painfully obvious. I also have a degree in Obvious. It’s my Second Degree.]