Hello.

Yes, hello.

I am your new Cabinet Member. I am in charge of Some Things.

This is my First Press Conference. My Bosses told me I should have one so people will get used to me.

I am to talk for some minutes and then answer questions.

For the Audience At Home, I’m to tell you there are reporters, carefully chosen, who will tell you what you’re supposed to know.

There is no live audience, but there is an Audience, You At Home, You Out There.

You already know my name, so I don’t need to repeat it. On television, it’s listed under my picture.

I am Happy to Serve You as the Head of My Department. I was chosen because I don’t know why. Probably because I can say yes at the right time, no at the right time. I’m Highly Qualified.

Maybe I was also chosen because of the Way I Look. Or the Way I Sound. But no, that can’t be it, because just look at My Colleagues. Some of them would make you lose your lunch.

But seriously, folks, here I am. I was picked because whatever.

I lived somewhere before and now I’m here. Go figure.

I have a family. I know most of their names.

I went to school probably and probably learned some things. I don’t want to say what because I could be held accountable.

Ha Ha. That was a joke. They told me to be funny a certain percent of the time, and not too smart so people could identify, but pretend to be smart enough to Be In Charge so they would think I Know The Answers.

Hell, (notice how I use the people’s language), I don’t even know the questions. Ha Ha. That was another joke. I’m getting the hang of this job.

I used to have a different job. I did something else. Now I work for you.

I’m supposed to say something nice about Our Leader. It says so right here in my notes.

Our Great Leader, Our Fearless Leader, Our Lord and Savior Leader. He’s The One.

I say yes to His yes, which is why they hired me. I say what They tell me to say, The Bosses, just the way Our Leader says what they tell Him to say. I don’t have to understand it, and neither does He, and neither do you.

Nobody has ever. Certainly I haven’t.

I’m the cream in your coffee, the sugar in your tea. Unless you’re on a diet, in which case I like my coffee black. That’s supposed to appeal to a segment of voters. I also eat tacos. That’s supposed to appeal to another segment.

How’m I doing?

I skipped a page in my notes.

Any questions?

No, I’m not worried about anything.

Yes, I like blonds.

Yes, I think there’s a future. Maybe. Unless you’re one of the ones who don’t want there to be, in which case I refer you to Our Great Leader.

Here He is!

Listen to Him for as long as you can. You don’t have to understand what He says. He doesn’t either.

He’ll leave you full, full of empty, full of It.

Here He is in Person. Let’s put our hands together.

In Prayer.