I ended wars that never started, so I started my own. War is a great distraction. I learned that from history.

“I’m the strongest,” I said, “I don’t need any help.”

But then the country I was at war with fought back, shot down my planes, killed Americans.

So I cried, “Help!” but nobody would. They issued mean statements saying “No.”

So I answered back, as I do, and lied, as I do, “A powerful country has pledged support.” When asked, “Who?” I said, “I don’t need to reveal that right now. Maybe in two weeks.” I always say two weeks so by then it’s old news.

Don’t get me mad. I can kick and scream. When people think of jumping ship, I grab them by the money and squeeze.

No, I don’t know what I’m going to do. Maybe in two weeks.

Somebody said, “He’s like the kid who jumps into the pool but can’t swim.”

They sent me to the brain doctors for a brain scan.

The brain doctors said, “We have to find it before we can scan it.”

That isn’t funny.