I was watching TV when it came to me. The idea.

I’m full of ideas. That’s what I’m full of.

And money. But I always want more.

So I decided I would be the Master of the World and own everything.

I got to work.

My minions did the paper work. I have minions. They work for me. I have millions of minions. Ha Ha. That’s funny. I made a funny. No one has ever been as funny as me.

They told me it would cost everything I had to buy the world so I sold everything. All my properties. All my children if I could find buyers.

They brought me papers to sign. I signed them all.

They said, “That’s still not enough.”

I said, “Take the country’s money. I own it.”

So I signed more papers. They gave me receipts.

I said, “Is it all mine now?”

They said, “You make the exchange at midnight tonight. Put all your money in a paper bag and leave it on the bench at the corner at exactly midnight. Wait ten minutes, then go back and get your receipt.”

I was excited all day. People must have been excited too, because I heard them talking from all directions. They were talking about people I never met, and they sounded very involved.

“He’s gone too far this time!”

Maybe I would meet him sometime when I went far enough.

“He’s outta control!”

I wonder who he is. I control everything, so maybe I’ll run into him.

Then it was ten minutes to midnight. I had just enough time to make it exactly. I emptied my pockets. I don’t usually pay for anything, but there were a few bills and some loose change I had forgotten about and I put it in the bag because they said it would take everything I had to buy the world.

I said, “What about my clothes?”

They said, “You can keep them for now.”

So I left the bag on the bench exactly at midnight and hid out of sight in the bushes.

Ten minutes later I went back. The bag was gone. I looked for the receipt. I didn’t find it.

They said, “That’s all right. We got your money. We’ll take you home now.”

They put me in a car and we drove away.

They’re taking good care of me. Because they love me. Nobody has ever loved anybody as much as everybody loves me, except me, because I love myself even more than anybody, but they’re catching up.

They brought me back to my house which seemed smaller now that I sold everything to buy the world. Even my room seemed smaller, but it was comfortable because even the walls are soft. They don’t want me to hurt myself on anything sharp.

Now I’m waiting for them to bring me food.